It’s A Snap
Revenge – A dish best served silently in the dark; and very undercooked.
It was nearly midnight and Trish, Ronny and I, dressed all in black, were crouched behind some bushes in front of the Alpha Beta Beta house which we had garnered a favor from the housing clerk (a 2nd year magic major who had been swirlied a lot as a freshman) to find out that all three lacrosse players lived in. I had a backpack on as well.
Gerome flat refused to be a part of this, thus his absence on the scene. He had only 1 strategic piece of advice.
“They’re going to be expecting payback. It’s the way they think. You would be wiser waiting a week so they let their guard down.”
“Like I learned in elementary magical physics. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. In this case every action deserves an instant and superior reaction.”
Back to the scene.
13 hours until the exam. I really should be figuring out what to do about the practical exam, but this had to be done.
A couple minutes passed and we still hadn’t moved. The other guys must be a little scared. Definitely not me…
Ok, I was a little scared.
“Hey Trish. When you looked in Gerome’s window did you see, uh, everything?” I asked trying to cover up my nervousness with conversation.
“Really Chance? At a time like this? Let’s focus here.”
In the dim light from a nearby street lamp I thought I could see her cheeks turn a little red, but I wasn’t sure.
“Why, you jealous? Worried I won’t want to go out with you now that I’ve seen the competition?” she continued viciously.
“God no! You can have him. I’m with Elena remember?” I said to re-inflate my ego.
Trish didn’t respond the way I thought she would. She seemed a little mad.
“Yeah, Elena. The girl I’ve never seen. I’m beginning to think you made her up.”
“Oh, she’s real alright. I’ll tell you what-”
Ronny cut in, “Hey guys are we doing this or what? I need to get home so I can sleep. Midterms are tomorrow remember?”
That brought me back to reality. 13 hours until my test. Maybe I should turn back like Gerome said…
No, I have to do this or I’ll never respect myself again.
“Okay. Let’s do this.”
“Be safe, Chance.” Trish put her hand on my shoulder with concern, her previous anger had become concern.
“What am I, chop liver?” complained Ronny.
“Just get going guys.” I interrupted before we found some other reason to delay.
I don’t know why Chance put me in charge of the distraction, I could be just as valuable sneaking into the place. He’s so obsessed about that Elena girl too. I think it’s unhealthy. He needs to find a girl who appreciates him.
“Alright. Here we go.” I said to myself.
I left the cover of the bushes and crossed the street towards Alpha Beta Beta house. On the street parked along the curb were many of their cars. You could spot them by the frat symbol on the bumper that they all put on.
I walked up to a small silver coupe and looked inside. Good there’s a blinking light which means there’s an alarm. Bracing myself to run I grabbed the door handle and yanked on it. It did yield but a lot more than I expected. I had braced myself so hard to yank and run that when the door simply opened up I fell back with it and landed hard on my butt. Ow! That smarted. Chance owes me big time on this one. I scrambled up, ignoring the pain in my posterior (of which I’m quite proud) and started to run away only to realize a few steps into it that there wasn’t any alarm going off.
“Dammit! No alarm.” The light must have been just a fake they put in cars as a theft deterrent.
I should have just stolen the car to teach the nimrod a lesson in locking his doors.
I slammed the door shut and tried another car. No light but maybe still an alarm.
I tried the handle. Nothing.
I was getting frustrated. I tried several more cars and nothing. I was starting to run out of cars and time is running out. The alarm needed to be going already.
In the running around, my ponytail had come loose so I pulled out the scrunchy and re-did my ponytail tighter. I wasn’t going to fail.
The next one I picked was an expensive town car. This one had all the bells and whistles. It must have an alarm. I tried the handle. No go.
I tried kicking the driver’s side door. Nothing. I got onto the back bumper and started jumping up and down, rocking the car.
“Damn.” I’ve got to get some kind of alarm going to get those guys looking out here while Chance sneaks in the back.
There’s only one more idea I had. I looked around, up and down the street and spotted what I was looking for. The next house over had immaculate landscaping including a rock garden.
I picked up a medium sized rock, about the size of a man’s fist. It was part of a rather enchanting piece of landscaping work. I walked back to the expensive sedan.
I hefted the thing up over my head. I really didn’t want to do this, but I had no more time.
Just then my shadow got suddenly darker and the car much brighter. Someone had just turned a floodlight on me.
Trish headed to the front of the house. Ronny and I snuck into the back by going through the covered driveway.
There was definitely a party in there. I could hear the laughing and carousing inside.
Around the back was a small garage with an automatic door with a regular hinged door to the side of it with a small window. Inside I could see a washer and dryer unit. They also had a water softener unit here. Just what I was looking for.
“Ok, when the car alarm goes off wait a minute for everyone to go outside and then bust through this door.” I whispered and indicated the door to the garage.
“Then I want you to get out of here. I’ll take care of the rest. If you get caught you could end up losing your scholarship so I don’t want you here any longer than it takes to get in.”
“I hadn’t really agreed to that yet,” he replied.
“What if you’re found? They’ll beat you to a pulp. You need me.”
“I’m not going to be found. This plan is fool proof. Where’s that car alarm? She should have done it by now.”
I checked my watch. My heart was beating at 100 miles an hour and the adrenalin was pumping at full blast. Waiting in this condition is murder!
A couple more minutes passed, and nothing.
“What’s going on? No alarm yet.” I complained.
“Give her time Chance, she’ll figure it out.”
“We can’t wait, we’ll just have to improvise. Can you break this glass really quietly some how? Then we can reach in and unlock it.”
“How do you know it’s locked?” Ronny asked.
“What do you mean? Of course it’s locked. Look.”
I reached down to jiggle the doorknob to emphasize my assertion but instead the knob turned and I almost fell inward as the door opened. Unfortunately it let out a loud squeal that I was sure could be heard by the whole block.
You know how when you are trying to be really quiet and everything seems to be 10 times louder? Even walking in the quietest tip toe sounds like you’re beating a giant bass drum. At least it sounds that way.
I froze instantly.
“I told you so.” Ronny taunted.
“Shh!” I looked up and cocked my ear to see if anyone had heard us. It didn’t seem so.
“Alright buddy, this is the end of the line for you. Head home.” I ordered Ronny.
“I don’t know. I really think I should stay to make sure you get out safe. I can be a look out in case someone comes so we can hide.”
“Dude. You are fully 7’ tall and 300 pounds. There’s no way you’ll be able to hide. At this point you’ll only give me away if someone comes. I have a better chance of hiding if you go.”
“Ok, fine. But give me the blow by blow when you get back.” Ronny was sulking a bit. He’s a really nice softhearted guy. Almost too softhearted for a game like football.
“I will. I promise. Now go.”
He exited the way we came in.
Now for the fun part.
“Put down the rock and step away from the vehicle.”
This came from the loudspeaker on the cop car behind me. Dammit! I can’t get arrested for this stupid prank. Then an idea came to me. You want a distraction Chance? Here you go.
“Lay down on the ground and put your hands on your head.”
I put down the rock and stepped away from the car pretending to comply. I knelt a little as if about to lay down. I could hear the cops open their doors and step out. I could only hope they hadn’t seen my face and didn’t have their guns drawn. Instead of lying down like a good little girl I bolted forward towards the expensive sedan.
I could hear the other officer on his radio calling for backup. My senses were suddenly sharp and I could hear and see suddenly much clearer. At the last second I lept up and rolled over the top of the sedan landing on my feet on the other side and immediately went into a dead sprint for the Alpha Beta Beta house.
The cops had to go around but weren’t far behind. There’s no way they could catch me though. I poured on the speed and sprinted to the front porch leaping 6 steps all at once. In high school I ran the 300 meter with hurdles. I beat several records in my day even some guy’s records. No one was faster than me.
I skidded to a near stop, opened the front door and slipped in slamming it behind me and turning the deadbolt in one smooth motion.
Panting with my back against the door I was suddenly aware of a crowd of people staring at me. The large foyer lead into an open dining/kitchen area with stairs along the right hand side leading to the second floor. The 1st floor of the building and the balcony of the 2nd was filled with people staring at me.
It was then that I became aware of the pungent smell. Pot. I could just barely smell it over the smells of beer and puke. That’s when I shouted:
“IT’S THE COPS!!!”
To emphasize my statement the cops arrived and started pounding on the door.
Like cockroaches everyone scattered dropping whatever they had in their hands be it beer, bong, or joint. In one case: beer bong and joint.
The first thing I knew I had to do to successfully escape was change my clothes. The cops saw me wearing all black, so they would spot me a mile away once I left the house.
I went into immediate action. First I dived into the fray of people and elbowed my way towards the stairs. It was the closest thing I could imagine to being a salmon swimming upstream.
A veritable river of bodies rushing out to any exit that could be found except the front door where the cops were madly trying to enter.
I nearly had to physically beat my way through the rush of people, screaming and yelling as they sought freedom from what they thought was a police raid.
I pushed my way up the stairs in some cases having to literally climb over people.
I heard a sharp crack over the cacophony of noise. The cops had kicked in the door, I had to move quick.
I reached the top of the stairs where I could see several bedrooms and a hallway that I could only assume lead to more.
I made a quick glance downstairs to check on the cops. They were caught up in the mess of people. One of them, a tall, somewhat lanky (for a cop) fellow looked up and spotted me. He pointed and shouted to his partner, a shorter and stockier type. Isn’t that always the way they’re paired?
I need to cover my tracks, NOW! The thought of me, a girl, changing into guy’s clothes didn’t really excite me, but better than the other way around.
As if summoned a half naked blonde came out of the hallway screaming and streaked past me, almost literally. She was wearing some patterned cotton bikini briefs and clutching her incompletely clasped bra to her chest as she ran down stairs. Perfect.
I dashed into the hallway stripping off my black sweater as I ran. Then I was hopping down the hall as I went for my sneakers and jeans. Down to my sports bra and underwear.
The stragglers still exiting from the rooms in various states of undress looked at me kind of funny as they ran past me. I thought it was kind of ironic that they were looking at me like I was weird.
I ducked into a room and looked around. No clothes. I dropped off my clothes to mask the trail. Any minute thecops would be up here.
I dashed out and into the next room. Eureka! Sort off…
I thought guys clothes would be worse, but I was wrong; and out of time. I really wish I didn’t have to describe the next part. I can’t believe this…
In a flash I had my sports bra over my head and flinging into the corner of the room.
I lifted the small circle of cloth over my head and pulled it down covering my chest as best as I could. Really? A tube top? Who wears those anymore? She must have forgotten to do laundry and had to raid her mom’s closet tonight.
Then I stepped into the denim mini skirt, pulled it up and buttoned the front.
I was technically clothed but didn’t feel covered at all. There’s no way I was wearing those heels though, that chick must be crazy! Barefoot would have to do.
I let out my ponytail and mussed my hair a little to really create that “just got caught smoking pot and sleeping with random dudes” look.
Then with my best imitation of the former occupant of these “clothes” I ran out of the room screaming at the top of my lungs.
Now my plan could commence. I slipped out of the back pack I was wearing and set it on the ground. The garage was dark so I pulled out a small flashlight and turned it on revealing your typical 1 car garage. Red sedan parked in the middle hiding the oil stains and a set of shelves piled with random junk that should just be thrown away.
At the back was a door that lead into the house which was elevated and had wooden steps in front of it. To either side of the door was a water softening machine to the left of the door and the washer and dryer to the right set comfortably apart.
I checked inside my bag. Toolbox. Check. Rubber glove. Check. Pranking implements. Check.
First I went to the water softener.
Hopefully no one comes down here while I’m doing this. I kept an ear out for the door incase anyone in the house approached.
From my toolbox I grabbed an electric screwdriver, the kind where you push a button and it automatically spins the direction you want to either loosen or tighten the screws.
I went to work on the lid of the water softener. 4 screws and I had the top cover off and access to the inner tank. All the household water goes through this tank; sinks, showers, everything.
I put the rubber glove on my right hand and using it pulled out a small vial the size of an old film can. I unscrewed the top while holding it away from my face. Even so, the harsh fumes still hit me.
With my arm extended in front of me I tipped the vial over releasing the clear oily liquid. After it stopped pouring I knocked the vial against the side of the tank to get out every last drop.
No noticeable difference could be seen in the tank but they would sure know something happened at the other end.
I slid the top of the tank back on and replaced the screws. Now for the washer.
I grabbed my toolbox and backpack and walked over to the washing machine.
I pointed the flashlight behind the unit and found the hot water connections. It was a small hose connected to what looks like a regular garden hose faucet. I turned the faucet off and disconnected the hose.
From a plastic bag I pulled out a little disc, again using my gloved hand. It wasn’t really a disk though. It was more like a ring with wire mesh in the center. It was sized to fit a standard hose connection. I pressed it into the connection for the hot water hose and screwed it back onto the faucet. Then I turned the faucet back on.
Job done. I din’t have any time to bask in my victory though because at that exact instant the door to the house slammed inwards letting in the bright yellowish light from inside the house. The exit was right in sight of the door; I had no way to escape! I ducked between the washer and dryer and listened.
“Ow! You hit my head on the door you jerk!”
“I’m going to hit more than that.” He let out a stupid guffaw. The guy really thought he was funny.
“Oh… You think I’m easy huh?”
I still couldn’t see them from my vantage point. Hopefully they couldn’t see me either. I could ascertain from the sound that he was carrying her down the stairs in some overly macho display of strength. Very romantic location…
The guy, who I’m naming “meathead”, closed the door behind him to add to the private atmosphere. They continued into the garage where I could see them. I squeezed back instinctively hoping to hide a little better. The only light coming in now was whatever moonlight was coming through the windows. Meathead let her down and they searched the garage as if appraising it. Meathead found what he was looking for, he pulled an old thick quilt out of a pile of linen and laid it out on the floor on the other side of the red sedan from me. Thank god.
“Ditzy the dame”, so I had named her, with her pink halter top and “but hanging out the bottom” short shorts, took her position on the quilt without any prompting. She did have a pretty smokin’ body but that IQ turned me off like a light switch.
Meathead joined her and soon I could hear the sounds of heavy breathing and zippers flying south for the winter. Almost comically a frilly strapless bra catapulted over the sedan and square on my head.
I removed the offending article and had just started to plan my escape when all hell broke loose!
I heard a door slam inside the house and a few seconds later a girl shouted something I couldn’t quite make out. Wait, did she say “cops”? Oh crap they must have nabbed Trish. That’s why there was no alarm. Dammit! I should have listened to Gerome. Maybe I could explain that it was all part of a stupid prank and that I put her up to it and they could take me instead. First I had to get out of here.
I started to creep out of hiding when the door to the house slammed open and people started pouring out of it like a mass exodus. Strangely it made me think of cockroaches scurrying.
Ditzy screamed of course and meathead started yelling in protest but before they could confront the intruders said people were already out the garage door and half way up the back fence.
Ditzy and Meathead were dumb but they eventually caught on to what was happening. They joined the throng immediately. Ditzy covered her top half with her halter top. Luckily for her bottom half they hadn’t made it past 2nd base. If he’s a football player, wouldn’t it be called the 50 yard line? I’m not up to date on my sports analogies…
I made a mental bet she wouldn’t think to put her top on for 3 blocks.
At this point sneaking out silently was moot so I just joined the crowd and started screaming too. I had to do something to keep from laughing.
I exited the garage and had just taken a few steps outside when something hit me. I mean literally; not like some sudden flash of brilliance, but a sudden flash of light in my head as something solid struck said body part and the light rapidly faded into darkness. As I descended into unconsciousness I heard a voice.
“Thought It’d be funny to call the cops on us didn’t you, punk?”
“Trish!? Is that you?” came an incredulous voice from the shadows.
“Shut up Ronny. Just keep running and follow my lead.” I wasn’t in the mood to have my appearance commented on.
“Where’s Chance?” I asked.
“I don’t know. He told me to leave and wouldn’t budge so I just went around the corner to wait for him, I didn’t see him come around.”
“He probably found another way out. Let’s go back to the rendezvous point and meet him there.”